Questioning God: A Memoir

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Last month, I promised to share with you some early drafts of my works in progress, two companion books, a memoir and a devotional, both called ‘Questioning God.’

Here’s the introduction to the memoir. I envisage leaving a blank ‘journaling’ page at the end of each section, so I end with a question.

Occasionally, friends say to me, ‘I wish I had your faith.’ I’m tempted to reply, ‘Be careful what you wish for.’ To the onlooker, faith may appear warm and comforting, constant and unwavering, a mainstay to rely on through the ups and downs of life. This may be true for some Christians. On any given day, they can sing with utter conviction,

We have an anchor that keeps the soul,

steadfast and true while the billows roll:

fastened to the Rock which cannot move,

grounded firm and deep in the Saviour’s love.

Priscilla Owens, ‘Will Your Anchor Hold in the Storms of Life?’ 

Not so for me, at least not all the time; my experience of faith is that it ebbs and flows. At times, tested to breaking point, my faith has almost entirely disappeared. Initially, these periods of doubt were extremely distressing; I felt like a ship unmoored. I didn’t want to pretend, to continue living as a Christian, if I wasn’t permanently, fully convinced of the truth of the faith. But over the years, I’ve learned to see these experiences as storms to be weathered that will lead to the reemergence and deepening of faith. 

I started this book one Holy Saturday, the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. When I awoke, I lay in bed and thought about Jesus, lying dead in the tomb, and his followers whose world had fallen apart. Unlike us, they didn't know the end of the story. They had given up careers and more to follow a miracle-working rabbi, and had put their faith in him as the long-awaited Messiah. Now their hopes had ended in failure. Jesus had been executed and they had not even stood by him in his hour of need. When the soldiers arrested their leader, they had run away. Even Simon Peter, the boldest of them, had denied 3 times that he knew Jesus. They had let Jesus down, but I imagine they felt equally let down by him. Where on earth was God in it all? As I rolled over in bed, my next thought was that Holy Saturday would be the perfect time to start writing this book. I got up. 

How do believers cope when their ship of faith hits the high seas or the doldrums on the journey of life? It’s not something most of us readily talk about. We hesitate to share our experiences honestly for fear of being a poor example to others. This widespread reticence leaves questioners like me feeling alone. Everyone else’s faith barometer seems set to ‘fair’, whereas ours is dropping to ‘stormy.’ In truth, faith is more like the shipping forecast, which today in my region looks like this –

WIND: Variable 2 to 4, becoming east 3 to 5 later.

SEA STATE: Slight or moderate, becoming smooth or slight.

WEATHER: Rain or showers.

VISIBILITY: Moderate or good, occasionally very poor. 

My aim in this book is twofold: firstly, to give non-believers a glimpse into the reality of authentic faith with its ups and downs; and secondly, to share with believers my hard-learned strategies for coping with periods of doubt without abandoning ship. For mariners sailing the ship of faith, isn’t there more wisdom to be gained in stormy seas than in calm ones?

Question for Journaling Page 

Will your anchor hold in the storms of life? Do you have an anchored worldview that keeps you afloat? Is it a metal chain, fixed and intractable or a rope, tethered securely but with enough give to enable change and growth?